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cocoa.

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good ole' glasses and ears. [20 May 2006|01:02am]
work sucks.
i've never been more stressed out in my life.
they are anti-tattoo now.

it's hardcore gay.


good thing i have the weekend off.
today i met
george romero.
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THATS FUCKING RIGHT.
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romper stomper. [16 May 2006|12:37pm]
my two biggest turn ons?

shaved heads
broad shoulders

swoon city.
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i will always wait for you to catch me. [15 May 2006|06:57pm]
collin came home.
last friday.
swoon.
we went to a show.
we went to a comic book store.
we fucked.
we hung out with sean.
we went to the strip club.
we saw courtney.
we came home smelling like strippers.
i wanted to fuck more.
but he was tired.

it was a great day.

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i'll miss you when youre dead. [11 May 2006|05:44pm]
i shouldn't be dyeing my hair, huh.
but i've been so good bout it for so long!
whatever.

scrubs
season three is my life.

collin comes home tomorrow.
thank god.
going to a show, i suppose.
have lots of sex.
grocery shop.
same old same old.

i got out of work at 10 today
and it was sunny
i decided to go to beaver lake
but then it got cloudy
and it's been on the verge of raining for hours.
so it was a no go.
but i wanted to.
i wanted to real bad.

why am i having such a hard time recently writing journal entries?

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unscheduled [09 May 2006|03:04pm]
my body didn't want to sleep last night.
it needed a collin next to it.
i feel like he's been gone forever.

more long work today.
i need to ask for more money.

i want wendy to move out so i can put stuff in her room.
like desks
and a bed.

i want to have babies.

i want to go swimming.

i want to go back to beaver lake.

i feel strange.
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i'm gonna make damn sure that you can't ever leave [08 May 2006|04:25pm]
you won't ever get that far from me.





work tonight is gonna be rough.
long
and rough.

is collin home yet
; (

my apartment smells like coconut and i love it.

spike puked on my floor last night.

i have to go find something to wear.
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you are sensitive. i am a machine [07 May 2006|09:29pm]
i went to new york this past weekend
and subsequently miss jennifer miller more than anything.

i fixed aim
so everyone im me all the time.

i only listen to taking back sunday
and i am so not ashamed.

i just scrubed the fuck out of my apartment
in an attepmt to forget that i miss collin.

i bought season 3 of scrubs (speaking of scrub)
a week early at the sound garden and i am SO excited.

i am lonely because collin is traveling the east coast
with a band.
again.

i went to beaver lake today
and watched four, thats right 4 snakes have an orgy.
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this was before the other two showed up.
no joke.

i have to remember to get collin's ipod fixed.
the screen is broked.

i am so blah right now.
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chains and sorting machines [26 Apr 2006|11:40am]
we went to the sound garden the other day
grafitti-ed along the way
and spent too much money.

eagles of death metal- great cd
imogen heap- hasn't left my cd player
yeah yeah yeahs- big thumbs down. too slow. not enough omph.

work work work
i have to go to work soon.
victoria better be closing.

is it time to go to new york yet?


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we are a giggle factory.
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it's like kissing without kissing. [21 Apr 2006|06:55pm]
lots of new stuff this week.
i think i am placing alot of stock in getting this new job.

oh
right
new job.
i was asked to apply for merchandising manager,
boys side,
at pottery barn kids.

more cash money.
to pay for the:
new digital camera ($150)
new laptop computer ($1000-$250 rebate= $750)
trip to new york may 5th and 6th($200 spending limit)
trip to horror movie convention may 19-22 (alot)
and room mate moving out in june (extra $300 in rent)

sigh sigh sigh.
i can't wrap my little head around it.

it just occured to me
that i don't feel like me.
and i haven't in a bit.
hmm.

i just got really excited to go to new york.
i just got really excited to see my mama.
oh fuck do i missssss her.

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i also miss tera.
; (
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that stupid mist brings out your eyes. [19 Mar 2006|06:40pm]
[ mood | content ]

been doin my pilates.
my tummy is sore.
and my legs are sore.
and it makes for an uncomfertable day at work.
but i like it.
i like to be sore.

i am alone for the night.
i'm gonna sew
(on my brand new craaaappppy 30 dollar sewing machine from target)
i'm gonna touch myself
(to pictures of dita von teese covered in whipped cream)
i'm gonna do pilates
(while i watch firefly)
and i'm gonna wait for col to get home.

mama remember when we went to go see garden state?
that was awesome

spike is chasing his tail.


ok.
lets set this plan in motion.

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i point my camera to the sea; the coast is always changing. [13 Mar 2006|11:30am]
[ mood | frustrated ]

i am bored.
i want change.
i want to do something different.
all we do is the same.

he rented
battlestar gallactica
just friends
and reign of tera
and i didn't get to watch any of them.
in their entirity anyway.
watched the begining of battlestar until there was a fit about nail polish
and glimpsed a little bit of all that is tera
but nothing was finished.

i feel distant.
i want to feel close.
i want to kiss.
more than a peck.
i want to be held.


sigh.

the worst shift ever invented ever
is 1pm to 10 pm.
it is the longest
most sould draining period of time
to have to fake a smile and pleasent disposition
ever.
e v e r .

i really don't want to not have leah at work.
now i will have more shifts with melissa.
ugh.melissa.

being vulnerable
is not like me.
?

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it's like finding something hidden in a jar of flies [11 Mar 2006|08:33am]
[ mood | aggravated ]

i miss mama.

i need more friends.

i can not be healthy.

i want to shop
but i am sure there is something i should be saving money for
so i won't.
but i really want to.
or maybe i'm just looking for an excuse to leave the house.
it's full of sleeping boys.
so i can't do anything, lest i accidentily wake them.

OH
i got it.
i'll look at naked girls online.
fuck yeah,
that should waste a couple hours until they get up.

nakia,
at work,
told me she was pregnant
and i got jealous.
and collin
told me jeremy and ugly mel and buying a house
and starting a family
and i got jealous.
.how.silly.

dad's birthday was 3 days ago.
i made a funfetti cake
and wished i had had the clown candle to light for him.
i think i had a dream we were grocery shopping together the other night.

i had a dream about julie last night.
i don't remember what happened
i just know she was there
and i know i didn't like it
and i don't know what has been bothering me about her lately.

i am not healthy.

i stopped doing pilates
awhile back
because with work and school i did not have the time.
but i feel fat
and i feel ugly
and i feel so entirely unattractive
and i have more free time
so i think i will start again.

all i ever think about is getting a new tattoo.
my back piece.
for my daddy.
cause i miss him.

fuck this shit,
i'm going shopping.

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your too smart to act so dumb. [06 Mar 2006|10:49pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

i do not feel pretty.
i do not feel sexy.
i do not feel attractive.
i do not feel desired.
i rarely do anymore.



i have had a cold and the goopey eye for a couple weeks now.
and they don't want to leave.
my body must be a good host.

i miss mama.
i really really miss mama.
talking to mama,
is as easy as thinking.
we are always on the same wavelength.
she is too too too far.

i used to be an avid lover of porn.
i hate it now.
it is more interesting than me.

i am not healthy.
i
am
not
healthy.




i am made up of instincts.
none of which are too keen.


i just feel
so not healthy.

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morning would [02 Mar 2006|10:58am]
i have puffy eyes.
they are gooey.
collin said it's pink eye.
then he took it back when i actually got scared it was pink eye.

i have had a fourty hour work week and barely noticed.

mama visited and it was
so
fucking
good.

my boyfriend works now.
so it's time to get pregnant.
.jklol.

he drinks soda now and it bothers me.
so bad for you.
i want him to be healthy.

i have all this PTO and yet i am scared to use it.
saving it i guess.
for a vacation.
mmmm.
vacation.

my computer works now too.
he was wonky for a bit.
but 200 dollars later
and he's all the fuck better.

i have resentment.
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blue whales are the biggest mammel in existance. [11 Feb 2006|10:20pm]
my hair is gettin long.
but it's not long enough.

leah and i spied on the enemy all day today.
it wasn't so much about what the enemy was doing
as it was about leah and i hanging out all day.
that said, i think i want a new job.
who knows why.
i go through this phase every few months.

i want to get married and have babies.
i do.
like soon.
i am happy.
he makes me happy.

if it's was possible i am even more angry
and even more hurt
by my mother.
she doesn't love me.

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he makes me swoon.
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don't smoke cigerettes, don't point guns at my head. [01 Feb 2006|11:33am]
[ mood | curious ]

yeah i dunno about this whole gap thing.
it keeps being not so cool.
it keeps promising to be cool,
but then being not cool instead.

sigh.
i'll start a salon job hunt as soon as my tuition is paid.
speaking of tuition, i graduated from school yesterday.
wow.
i graduated from school yesterday.

wake up, collin.
pay attention to me.

iiiiiiii dunno.
something seems amise.
it's probably the birth control.
i think it makes me moody
and i think it keeps me from sleeping.
but those could both also be because i was scared it would do those things.
hmmmmm.
if i made more money,
i'd just get pregnant if i got pregnant.
the idea of a family appeals to me.

sigh.
i am an adult now.

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all the water wants is hurricains. [28 Jan 2006|10:46am]
[ mood | crazy ]

i am trying not to fall into old patterns.
things are not going the way i had hoped at work.
that does not necessarily mean they are bad.
they are just not what i had hoped.
i am trying to not let it upset me.
thats what i usually do.

i haven't had time for my boyfriend
and i don't like that.
i fall asleep.

it's three days past my birthday now
and i still haven't had time for birthday sex.
how sad.

my sister sends the best birthay presents.

i have one hour and one half left of cosmetology school.
a cruel joke.

i am upset that i did such a good job
the last time i did my nails
cause i just got a ton of colored acrylic
and i want these ones to fall off so i can use it.

i miss jen.
i wanna hang out.

i want collin to wake up and pay attention to me.
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oh sigh.
i am obsessed with him.

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omg. [22 Jan 2006|07:07pm]
wow.
i'm sorry, livejournal.
it has been too long.

carousel
disappointing thus far.
i struggle not to rearrange every wall.
i am waiting for victoria
i don't know if i should bother.
for a brief point i was hopeful
i am back to bleak.

i hate my image
i want to change it.
i tire of damaging my hair
but i feel like i have to.

i am making a very decent amount of money
and i am very proud of myself.

stir fry.
mmmm.

i glimpsed the enemy today
from across the hall.

two days off?

i have 4 days and one hour of school left.
yesh.
and then i start my life.
and then i start my life?

the idea of marriage
and children
has been appealing lately.
i want to live in suburbia.
i want to make dinner
and go to hockey games
and pta meetings.
i want to settle.

in the past three days
i have only seen brief glimpses of my boyfriend
through heavy sleepy eyes.

i feel empty.
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just close it. [18 Dec 2005|01:22pm]
due to flucuations in bills
and an increase in pay,
i reworked my budget
on this,
my day off.

$1200 a month (atleast)
- 300 rent
------
$900
-100 car insurance
------
$800
- 50 home phone line
------
$750
- 25 electric
------
$725
- 60 cell phone
------
$665
-120 gas
------
$545
- 60 tattoo savings fund
------
$485
- 40 lattes
------
$445
-100 food
------
$345


i even alotted money for lattes this time.
they are important to me.

with five days left until collin comes home,
the best thing ever happened to my last night.
i got my period.
if i hadn't gotten it by today, i would have had it when he came home
and then i probably would have had to kill myself.
cause i'll be damned if i'm gonna just give him head while i get nothin
when i haven't seen him in two months.

anyway, wooo hoo.

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i am bleeding life faster than i am bleeding blood. [17 Dec 2005|07:42pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

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christmas tree.

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re-pinked hair.

uhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmm.
i want to say that today sucked.
but really, nothing monumentally sucky happened.
i just think i am hormonal.
or i hope i am hormonal.

i wrapped presents for hours today.

i don't want to be made a fool of.
i want to be told the truth.
i want respect.
i want to not doubt him.

i got so angry at my mom today,
i cried.
and then i wanted to be hugged
and taken care of.
cause i never get to be taken care of.
i just want to be taken care of.

i was promised a position at carousel today.
but victoria's stories from yesterday
don't make me happy about that.
i am going to hate it there.
i am going to hate it there so much.

the past is catching up with me.

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